Thanks Harper Collins Canada for the challenge.

Books I have read this year so far (in no particular rating order):

Chicken Soup for the soul: Children with Special Needs

Co-creator team: Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Heather McNamara, and Karen Simmons.

This book is now part of my reality. I encourage everyone to read this who has a child with special needs ,or even if you know a child with needs. Covering a broad range of children with physical and emotional needs, this anthology made me feel not so alone.

Selected

Why Some People Lead, Why Others Fail and Why It Matters

By Mark Van Vugt and Anjana Ahuja

A new hypothesis from the authors covers the changes since The Stone Age to modern age types of leadership. I found it a unique idea, however a little dry in the writing. I love books like how to Win Friends and Influence People instead rather than rehashed  tips for our personal and professional lives.

MWF seeking BFF

My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend

By Rachel Bertsche

When Rachel finally lives in the same city as her boyfriend, she realizes she misses having best friends locally. She makes a plan to go on 52 friend dates within a year. This was me before I became a mom. This is a very engaging and funny story of her search.

Everyday Food Light

From the Kitchens of Martha Stewart Living

I am not a cook. I do not have a creative culinary muse in my body, just ask my family. Personnally  I found the format of the book, which was broken up into seasons, very easy to follow. Surprisingly, I found easy recipes like the Vegetarian Split Pea soup very appealing. All the recipes were less than 500 Calories per serving!

What I loved most about it was the cooking glossary at the front of the book explaining ways of cooking to an inventory of kitchen utensils. My family might actually be happy when I break out this book to use. J

If I Tell

By Janet Gurtler

If only she had not gone to the party then Jaz would not have seen them kiss. She keeps the secret despite that it will hurt a loved one. I found this book’s memoir- first person- style of writing very gripping. Written as a Young Adult novel, yet an all ages read.

Your Voice in my Head

By Emma Forrest

As a 22 year old British journalist living in New York, Emma battles many demons. In a frightful journey of loneliness, isolation, and destructive behaviour, she finds solace in the office of an optimistic psychiatrist. After moving away Emma comes back to town after two years away and tries to make an appointment with Dr. R. Her world is rocked when she learns of his sudden death.  The writer is open and honest in this memoir of the struggles with the mania and the heartbreak of loss.

Or this moment..

The date was January 4^th, 2009. I still remember the way the keys felt under my fingers, shaky and scared if I was ‘doing it right.’ After ten months having fun on Twitter and taking The Momoir Project classes, I craved to take my world public. I wished to progress in my writing. I learned a lot in reading blog posts online and taking many classes.

It is now three years later and I reflect on what I have learned, and wish I knew back then. There are many things I needed someone to walk me through it.

Lessons for new to blogging:

1. Think long and hard on what to name your blog. It sticks forever.
2. Read. There is a lot to learn there.
3. Don’t feel the pressure to keep a blogging schedule. Do what feels right. Business blogs or personal blogs, it has to feel organic to share your writing. To not keep writing schedule if it doesn’t feel right. If it feels like an obligation then your readers will feel that pressure too in your words.

On that note, I am taking my own advice. I will not be posting regularly for a while. I am going back to learning mode. I also will be spending more time with my youngest that was recently diagnosed with autism. We are at the beginning of the therapy journey. I need to focus on my family. I also will be having less ‘me time’ in the process. When I get a small break, I wish to do what I feel right to do, without obligation. Live in the creative present.

I am daring myself to focus on writing a novel. I did it twice for 3Day Novel contest. It is something in my soul that is screaming to do again.

Thank you readers for the past three years. You have taught me more than I could have ever learned in a classroom. I will keep in touch as long as you wish. Find me on Twitter: @just_d_world

Happy New Year’s to you!!

The presents remain scattered on the floor. It looks like a toy store exploded here. I am excited for my two daughters who have been hit with the Christmas magic. My two beauties are running around the room playing from toy to toy.  In my heart, I am biting my tongue. When I should be grateful for the gifts my girls got I can’t help but notice the pink elephant in the living room.

I look at all what my oldest daughter received from friends and family. Next to hers is what my youngest girl got, or lack thereof. I can’t help but worry if that it’s her autism causing loved ones to ‘cheat’ her on equal gifts. The stigma of her diagnosis has been unbalanced to say the least in social graces of our world. Many of our  friends and their aunts bestowed gifts upon them to the hilt. There are some who did not. I know my youngest doesn’t connect with it but one day she will. And then how do I tell her why she is not like her sister.

I am not angry. I am partially feeling guilty on what I am processing. I am new to the ‘special needs’ social standings. I am saddened at the true loved ones who slighted them.  I do not know if I have to bite my tongue and not flare out at the mis- gift givers.

My dear young one comes racing towards me for a bear hug. We squeeze each other tight. And then she is off. I watch her in her own bubble world. I hope she can remain that blissfully aware of how the world sees her, or rather how some see her. I struggle to keep her as innocent as I can while she goes through her therapy. I will always  adore her. She is always my daughter no matter what label.

How would you handle this situation? Have you experienced this before? I would really appreciate insight on this matter. I know it will sadly not be the last.

Here was the update earlier this year:

My Goals and Wishes for 2011 Update

Surprisingly, some have come close or a reasonable facsimile.

So here it goes:

1. Cure cancer or help someone do it. Enough hurting good people.

My dear sister has had the great news that she is clear once again.

2. Have Bryan Adams follow me on Twitter. If Ellen can get on an Oprah cover, maybe I can realize this dream.

I came close. He tweeted me and a friend. Year is not over.

3. Develop my dream book and get a publisher.

In October I will be having an essay published in a great book about Mothers and Daughters. I will yearn to get a book written on my own.

4. Not cry when my oldest marches off to full-day kindergarten in September.

She did beautifully. The only blip was when she realized she would have lunch at school. She is in the same class as three friends from the neighborhood.

5. To doubly, not cry when my youngest begins 3 year old pre-school in September.

After two months, we pulled her out. She wanted me at pre-school before she would participate in the activities. She has now been diagnosed with autism. We are optimistic as she starts therapy. The next two years will be focused on her succeeding at kindergarten.

6. Actually enjoy my 38^th birthday instead of wanting to skip the age my mom died.

I got through it. The black cloud was there lingering. I am trying to ignore the age and focus on goals.

7. Make a Me time a priority every day even if it’s going to the bathroom alone.

Occasionally I have met that goal. Usually when I least expect it. Just this week I went ice skating with my oldest daughter. It tripped me into the past that I buried. I ice skated for seven years when I was a young girl. I loved sharing that with my girl.

How are you on your wishes for this year? Any surprises?

Best Wishes and Dreams for 2012!

This is an entry to the Yummy Mummy Club contest they held recently. Obviously, I lost. I wanted to share with you what I do to give myself a break. J

We are in the kitchen of one my mommy friends. I just took a bite of a canapé she ‘just whipped up.’ My mouth waters at the just-enough melted cheese on top. I spy lunch fixings near her stove. My inner-mind shakes at the amazing feast she has planned. She has a part-time job and cooks. I am amazed that we are friends.

Full confession: I am not a cook, nor a baker. I flunked Home Economics twice. The teacher took pity on me and gave me a pass finally. I grew up with TV dinners and packaged foods. I think I turned out okay.

When I became a mom twice over, I was scared. Visions of what Supermom means gripped my panic full blown. I tried to bake and cook every day. After many failed attempts, I am still getting the smoke stains out of the ceiling. What worried me most was that if I was spending so much time in the kitchen, I was not playing with my young children. Time is going too fast.

That realization hurt my mama heart. I let go of Supermom ideal that I thought I could be. I am me. I am their mom, flaws and all. So, I began to think of what I could do to provide meals for my family and still play with my kids. Below are my now-not-secrets on how I do it.

1. I began to resort to making big batches of my limited recipes and freezing extras for a later date. For example:  I would take a veggie chili from the freezer to put it on top of a pan of tortilla chips, spread grated cheese and viola, chili nachos.

2. We have themed food days. Macaroni Mondays. Waffle Weekends. French Fry Fridays. Our kids know they can have their favorite foods this time of the week.

3. When time is super-crunched or sicknesses have run through the house, I utilize a local speciality food store called M&M Meat shop. They have an extensive menu. You can order online and pick it up at the closest location. Quick and fresh appies, main entrees to desserts makes it worth the reasonable price. You can freeze what you do not need right away.

4. Every Friday we have pizza and a movie at dinner time. If we do not have a pizza ready to be made at home, we do order out. At the end-of-the-week, I am done.

5. I am not June Cleaver, and nor Kathy Buckworth. However, I shade on the side of Peggy Bundy and purchase fruit bowls and veggie plates at the grocery store to balance my family’s nutrition.

I do not use a microwave and I do not know how to bake or cook from scratch easily.  I love spending as much time as possible with my children.

We continue to enjoy the feast our friend has made. She is a natural in the kitchen.  I am not despairing that I cannot reciprocate the delectable lunch. I know it is not in my genes to be Supermom (whatever that is.) It is my mantra that we all deserve a break. We need to let go of what we think we “should” do and live in the moment.

Finally, I think they need to go to bed. Only they don’t. I hear lights being turned on and furniture being moved. I go down on my belly trying to peer down the hall into the living room to see what is going on. Then I hear my mother. “I am tired. We should get the stuff out. Do you want the cookie?” she asks my dad. His reply is muffled by the sound of paper rustling and a box being ripped open. I can’t take it anymore so I open my door and creep down the hallway to get a better look. My heart stops when I see the Barbie Dream House being built by my dad. Packing materials strewn everywhere.

I almost speak up when I hear my sister moving in her room which is next to where I am standing. I race back into my bed and pull the covers over my head. I wonder if Santa didn’t have time to deliver a put together house so he left it for my dad. Before I could think of anymore sad thoughts, I fall asleep.

“Mommy.” Before I crack an eye open I am smothered in kisses by my three-year-old daughter. She bounces over to her daddy who is pretending to still be sleeping. “It’s Christmas. Santa came. Let’s go!” she demanded. “Keep it down. You will wake your sister.” I requested too late. All the family is up now. We go down the stairs together to the living room.

I smile at the dream I had about that last Christmas I spent with my mom. I never did tell her I found out Santa was not real. The look on my children’s faces makes me wonder if there is still Santa magic. It has been 26 years since my mom died and I still miss her, including the holidays. I still remember her sitting in the black vinyl chair, cane at her side, smiling at us enjoying the Christmas presents. Each day is hard and easy all at once.

Once I gave myself permission to embrace the grief that my children do not have their grandma, I felt lighter. By letting go I began to tell my daughters stories of when I was a kid. Showing them pictures reminds me of the happy times. I do things that remind me of her, like watching her favorite Christmas movie and enjoy her special coffee. She will always be a part of my heart and soul.

My youngest toddles over to me with her new Elmo toy. She gives it a big hug and joins her sister back on the floor. I take a deep sip of my coffee with Baileys just like mom. I feel warmth of the day and the knowledge that my daughters know their grandma. I take great peace in that. Happy Holidays to you and your loved ones. May you make new traditions while appreciating the past ones.

Hearing my tenacious five-year-old ramble off her list to Santa makes my nostalgic heart glow. I remember the anticipation in the days leading up to Christmas wondering what is going to be under the tree. My sister and I would be sent to bed early so we didn’t see Santa. All the magic and everything that goes with it made my childhood holidays special.

As I hit teenage hood my lists shrunk. Everything on a child’s wish list is a label. Sometimes it is the latest, hottest toy or a specific doll which changes over the years.

As an adult, I became jaded. It didn’t help that I worked throughout the holiday season.  Decorating and shopping felt like a chore. I missed out on many Christmas parties due to work.  When I changed jobs and had the holidays off I started to relax.

Last year our family canceled most of Christmas due a dear family member who became ill. That rocked our world and changed our priorities forever.

By the grace of a higher power, that loved one will be celebrating Christmas with us this year.  I realized surprises come in all shapes and sizes. What I wished for Christmas last year became true this year. All my family is healthy and happy, and still here.

Sure, if there is a gift under the tree I will be thrilled. Having my small family healthy is priceless. Having said that, I wished in 2010 to have a voice online. I now have many readers whom I call friends. Readers, you are one of the most precious gifts I didn’t know I wanted until you said hello.

Happy holidays!! May your wishes come true!

Dear Customer,

I am standing behind you with my youngest child while you rant to the clerk on why isn’t the hottest toy in stock five days before Christmas. The strain on the clerk’s face makes me want to jump in her defense. Yes, the crowds are crazy busy. Yes, Christmas is soon. Taking your stress out on the clerk is not cool. That clerk probably has been working all day with barely a bathroom break.

My sympathy for her and all clerks is personal. For fifteen years, I clerked in malls everywhere throughout the Christmas season. Many times there were so many customers that I couldn’t take my lunch or a coffee break to pee. It was how it had to be.

Hearing customers rage why we were out of an item days before Christmas made me boil. Christmas comes the same time every year. That is not new. The staffs in the stores are on the front lines. The supply and demand in retail is very tricky. That is up to the corporate headquarters and the buyers. It is not the clerks, whom make (in most cases) minimum wage.

I hug my daughter tight as he leaves in a huff. I take my turn at the counter and pass over my items to purchase. I give the girl a smile and tell her she is doing fine. I remark that she handled herself well with that customer. She thanks me. She tells me it is her first job and feels daunted.

As my purchases are bagged I smile at her and remind her soon, the holiday will be gone. She laughs a tired laugh and agrees. As I leave I grab a comment card and fill it out about the wonderful calmness I witnessed. I do not know if it will make a difference. I remember getting customer accolades after the fact. It motivated me to keep smiling.

So to all customers, please be kind. It isn’t about getting the latest cool toy last minute. It is about spending time with loved ones. There are many who do not get that opportunity.

Be kind. Happy Holidays.

Love,

A former sales clerk and now, a mom.

Mommy,

It’s our first Christmas without you. There are little decorations up. Dad told me last week that you left a lot of bills so I could only pick one present. I had to help him pick a few things for my baby sister because she still believes in Santa Claus. I have not believed since last year so I really didn’t care. I just don’t care to celebrate anymore. On top of it all, we are at your parents’ house for Christmas because Dad had to work or he did not want us home. I don’t know what else to say so I will say Merry Christmas. I have to help set up for the big dinner tonight.

Love,

Nicole