I am staring at the blank computer screen, having writer’s block. After three years of actively blogging I am stuck for a topic, even though my life is expansive on writing material.  From my desk I can hear the birds chirping, the slight spring breeze wafts through my open window.  My family is out for a quick journey. I have the time I crave to finally write. And I am stuck.

I think back to when I first started to write. My oldest was just a baby when I realized that I was approaching the age that my mother died. Not knowing her stories in her own words motivated me scribe mine, in case I had the same fate or if I forgot things. As the years pass fast being a mom there are minute details that have escaped me.

Writing also was a way to vent my isolation on being motherless, not having family to help the day-to-day and when my youngest was diagnosed with autism. Writing my blog began to bridge the gap that I felt. A void was there that slowly dissipated, especially when readers began to comment.

With a smile, I begin to type. I never profess to writing well or being a literary author. I write for my girls, other moms and most importantly for me. No one can tell my stories but me.

“With my heart beating through my chest, I swear my girls can hear it. I am holding my oldest daughter’s hand. In my other hand is her younger sister. I can feel the warm sun beaming down on us as I enter with them into the gym. I bite my lip to keep from crying. This will be the first time I will leave my oldest at the tender age of three in a summer camp. It is for the morning at our local gymnastics center. She is to start pre-school this fall. I know she is ready, but I am not. “

I wrote that in my journal almost three years ago. I remember the feeling that she will not be happy. I though of every excuse to not go. I knew by instinct that she was fine. She loved it so much that she wanted to go again and again. Pre-school was a snap after the gymnastics summer camp trial.

Have you thought of sending your kids to camps? There are many different types and kinds for kids of all ages and diverse needs. There is a contest running at

http://www.pioneercampcontest.com/?purl=A219bc

http://www.circlesquareranchcontest.com/?purl=296A13

A chance for a trip for two to Punta Cana! Enter and share on your social networks, like Twitter and Facebook, for more entries every time someone enters from your link! Just cut and paste the PURL you will get in your inbox to each camp. Plus there are great special offer coupons like Mabel’s Labels and discounts off for first-time campers!

While I did receive compensation for this post, the opinions shared are my own.

Enter before June 15^th!

Thanks Harper Collins Canada for the challenge.

Books I have read this year so far (in no particular rating order)

1. Chicken Soup for the soul: Children with Special Needs: Co-creator team: Jack Canfield, Mark Victor Hansen, Heather McNamara, and Karen Simmons.

2. Selected: Why Some People Lead, Why Others Fail and Why It Matters By Mark Van Vugt and Anjana Ahuja

3. MWF seeking BFF: My Yearlong Search for a New Best Friend by Rachel Bertsche

4. Everyday Food Light: From the Kitchens of Martha Stewart Living

5. If I Tell By Janet Gurtler

6. Your Voice in my Head by Emma Forrest

7. The Possibility of Everything by Hope Edelman

8. Christmas at Tiffany’s by Karen Swan

9. Your Twitter Diet: How I Used Twitter to lose 20 pounds & you can too. By Rebecca Regnier

10. I’ve Got Your Number by Sophie Kinsella

11. An Exclusive Love: A Memoir by Johanna Adorjan

12. C’mon Papa by Ryan Knighton

13. Daughters in Law by Joanna Trollope

14. The Right to Write by Julia Cameron

15. Hand Me Down by Melanie Thorne

16. The Ice Princess by Camille Lackberg

17. The Descendants by Kaui Hart Hemmings

18. Autism: from the Chinese Traditional Medicine Perspective by Anthony Young

19. Lone Wolf by Jodi Picoult

20. The Taming by Teresa Toten and Eric Walters

21. Life Is but a Dream by Brian James

22. The Night She disappeared by April Henry

23. This is not a Test by Courtney Summers

24. The Sense of an Ending by Julian Barnes

25. How Not to Move Back in with your Parents by Robert Carrick

26. The Out-Of-Sync Child by Carol Stock Kranowitz, M.A.

27. Absolution by Patrick Flanery

28. The Wild Beast of Wuhan by Ian Hamilton

29. The Saturday Big Tent Wedding Party by Alexander McCall Smith

30. Sisters of Glass by Stephanie Hemphill

31. Carly’s voice by Arthur Fleishman and Carly Fleishman

32. The Golden Hat

33. Betrayal by Danielle steel

34. Calico Joe by John Grisham

35. Among Others by Jo Walton

36. Thieves of Bay Street by Bruce Livesey

37. Trail of the Spellman by Lisa Lutz

38. Kaleidoscope by Gail Bowen

39. Web of Angels by Lillian Nattel

40. Both of Us: My Life with Farrah by Ryan O’Neil

41. Pulse by Julian Barnes

42. Girl Meets boy edited by Kelly Milner Halls

43. The Red House by Mark Haddon

44. Knocked Up by Rebecca Eckler

45. I Remember Nothing by Nora Ephron

46. Let’s Pretend this Never Happened by Jenny Lawson (The Bloggess)

I am standing in the hallway with my teacher, who is explaining to me that I can do my book report in the library. I shake my head saying that I want to stay in the classroom.

“The class is working on their Mother’s Day projects. I thought you would be more comfortable doing something else.” He can’t even look me in the eye.

I mumble. “Ok “and slink back into the classroom to get my notebook and book materials. I avoid the looks from the other students. My cheeks feel like they are bright red. I close the door behind me and walk down the hallway to the library. I look around and find a quiet corner to work. Spreading out my things I feel so alone. With that, I miss my mom so hard it hurts.

She has been only gone less than a year and it feels like it was yesterday when I last saw her. She was in her hospital room and couldn’t talk. Breast cancer took her from me and my sister. I pause to wonder what the rest of my class is making. I remember making her a homemade card in my Grade 5 art class. I gave it to her at dinner which she loved. I didn’t know it would be our last Mother’s Day together then.

As if overnight , my friends faded into the sidelines. I was the freak who didn’t have a mom. No one knew what to say or do when they were around me.  My teachers excused my poor grades because my mom had died.  I try to smile my way through the days when all the while I just want to go back to how life used to be.

A classmate enters the library to tell me I can come back. I realize I never even did any work. I collect my books and follow him, enter the classroom behind him. My eyes dart around the room to see what they had made. I couldn’t see anything. It was as if Mother’s Day didn’t exist anymore.

I guess it doesn’t for me anymore.

^{My Life In Lyrics}

^{By Loretta Lynn}

^{“She’d smile in Mommy’s understanding way.” The song, the 1976 best-selling memoir and the Oscar-winning bio picture, The Coal Miner’s Daughter, made Loretta known world-wide. She was the first woman to be named Entertainer of the Year by the Country Music Association and she continues to play to full houses today. This book is filled with her stories, lyrics and personal pictures that tell her rags-to-riches story.}

^{She became famous to me when I was young. My mom would raise the volume on the car radio when her songs came on. We once packed into the family car to travel hours to see Ms. Lynn perform, and I was lucky to see her face to face when she walked by to shake the hands of her fans. I was mesmerized by her larger than life persona. The music bounced off the walls with her passion for singing her story of how she pushed the boundaries in music and life.}

^{Ever since my mom died, when I hear Coal Miner’s Daughter I recall the warmth I felt back then. She represents a time in my life when I still had a childhood. Despite her own childhood in Butcher Holler, Kentucky, she empowered herself to get more out of life. Loretta writes fondly about her time as a child, and more so on writing about her marriage to becoming a mother.}

^{“My mommy used to say I wasn’t afraid of anything. To tell me I couldn’t do something was like daring me to do it.” That drove Loretta to write Mountain Climber. “The higher the mountain the better I like ‘em.”}

^{Whether it’s tears or laughter that moves you as you read about her, you cannot help but feel appreciative of your own life. It is moving and motivating. I miss my mom terribly and feel connection to her when I read this or hear a Loretta tune.}

I am walking through the mall with my daughters and see Mother’s Day signage. What should be a happy sight, I feel mixed emotions. Ever since my mom died I have hated Mother’s Day. I’ve tried to make it passable by honoring my grandmothers,  but it wasn’t the same. Now as a mom, I feel I need to participate in the Hallmark holiday.

She is never far from my thoughts. I have been alive longer than her. What started to make the day fun for me was when I began things to honor my mom every day like:

1. I break out pictures of my childhood and share stories with my daughters. By talking about the good times it reminds me I did have a childhood.
2. She loved purses. I have some of hers and have added a lot more since. When I get nostalgic I look at my purses and remember playing dress up with them. Sometimes I will go window shop the purse section of department stores. It may seem silly, but it is calming to me.
3. I watch her favorite movies or television shows. I remember watching The Young and the Restless when I was home from school. The house stopped for that one hour. Watching it today makes me feel close to her.
4. I give myself permission to grieve. The loss of her will always be here. It comes in fast and furious. A trigger can be small or big depending on the day. When I embrace the pain I get through it.
5. I work on living each day as it might be the last. I often forget to make each day count. The beauty is when I wake up the next day it is a fresh start.

I may be a grown woman but I will always wonder, what if she didn’t have cancer? What if she survived? What if I had a regular childhood that didn’t involve hospitals and wheelchairs?

Looking at my daughters enjoying a mall treat, I know I can drive myself mad wondering  the what if’s. I might live till tomorrow, or not. What matters is honoring my mom while living my life. Being the mom she was is a great gift to give my daughters.